Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Freezin' my biscuits off!

I really suck, I can't even make a decent snowman for the kids
I can handle being sawed in half to give birth to my son. I can handle squeezing a watermelon out of a garden hose to give birth to my daughter. I can handle 5 tortuous years of sleep deprivation. I can even handle the fact that after 3.5 years I'm still wearing a spare tire around my waist.

But the one thing a girl born and raised in SC can not handle is this below freezing weather.  I'm freezin' my biscuits off here. I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I would've thought my extra layer of lovin' would protect me during these below freezing times, but I  was sadly mistaken. How in the world do these skinny Dutch women do it? They are about as big as my finger and they walk around in their tights or skinny jeans and pretty moon boots looking like they just stepped off the winter collection runway in Milan.

No wonder everyone stares at me like I am a freak when I do get the kahunas to brave the frigidness. I have on my tights, yoga pants and ski pants.  Not to mention two shirts, a sweater and my ski jacket and my warm Timberland all-purpose mountain boots. I am not even able to walk, I just kinda of wobble through the snow. People are probably wondering where my dogs and sled are because I look like I am getting ready to leave for the Iditarod.

And just when I thought things couldn't get worse:  This weekend, I was stuck in the middle of a forest, -5C and my daughter had to pee. I undid her snow suit, took off my gloves so I could hold her up properly so she didn't pee on herself. I was so cold that I forgot to make sure my hands were out of the line-of-fire. Yep, she peed on my hands. I was in the middle of nowhere, meaning nowhere to wash my hands. I looked at the snow and I had to make a choice: put my urine scented hands back into the warm gloves or rinse them off in the snow and surely risk frost bite. I thought well I could always buy new gloves but fingers were forever so I gagged and stuffed my hands into the gloves.

However, the worst humiliation came this morning when I took my daughter to school. I thought she was bundled up and I was just happy I remembered her snow boots. She took them off at school and ran into the classroom in her socks. And that was when I got a scolding of a lifetime from Juffy Winterpolice.

"Where are her slippers? She can't wear socks around here. Why didn't you bring her slippers?, she growled while all the parents looked at me in shock. But come on, why would I bring her slippers to school?  And hello, I come from a place where they have to put signs on the door to tell you to even wear shoes. I think it's quite an accomplishment I remembered boots!

I guess it's true what they say, you live and you learn! I would just rather live somewhere warm right now and learn how to lie on a sunny beach sippin' a Cosmo. Somewhere where I don't get peed on and look like the abominable snowman. Somewhere my biscuits can actually bake!

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